NFL Predictions: The 2013 Season Edition


Tanya Harding seen after knee-capping the Chicago Bears entire offensive line.

The NFL season is fast approaching which means that predictions for the upcoming season abound on the internet. Typically I’m not one to make predictions (not because I’m afraid to be wrong, but as a longtime Chicago Bears fan I know  that I’m going to be wrong) but I thought I would give it a go for the sake of all the sports fans that read this blog.  With that said here are 10 predictions for the 2013 NFL season that I would bet money on if I could use Monopoly money:

  1. The Chicago Bears offensive line will be vastly improved this season and will only give up 1,152 sacks this year as opposed to 3,624 sacks they gave up last season. This will lead to a much more productive year for Rex Grossman whom the Bears will trade for after week 3 in order to replace Jay Cutler who will be suspended for the season when it is discovered that his wife, Kristen Cavallari, brought Tanya Harding out of retirement to knee-cap the Bears offensive linemen whom she believed were trying to kill her husband.
  2. The New York Giants will change their name to the New Jersey Giants upon realizing that they have been playing in New Jersey and not New York for all of these years.
  3. The New York Jets will not change their name to the New Jersey Jets because after week 1 of the preseason Rex Ryan will have finally succeeded in destroying the entire organization. Upon learning of the destruction, Roger Goodell will bypass the usual red tape and place Ryan in the Hall of Fame immediately for finally removing such a blight from his empire.
  4. Adrian Peterson, who has predicted that he will rush for 2,500 yards this season, will in fact break the all-time career rush yards record after rushing for 9,507 yards while leading the Minnesota Vikings back to the familiar territory of last place in the NFC North with a 4-12 record.
  5. There will be 215 player arrests by week 7 – and that’s not counting the arrests of players not named Ndamukong Suh.
  6. Calvin “Megatron” Johnson will finally be defeated by Optimus Prime thus depriving the city of Detroit of the lone bright spot they’ve had since…well…something I’m sure.
  7. Tony Romo will finally become the elite quarterback everyone has expected him to be as he leads the Atlanta Steam of the Legend Football League (look it up) to a championship after being unceremoniously released by the Dallas Cowboys when Jerry Jones trades the big screen TV inside AT&T Stadium for Tim “I’m-probably-not-worth-that-big-of-a-tv” Tebow.
  8. The Super Bowl winner will be the team that not only makes the playoffs but also scores more points than their opponents in the big game. This obviously eliminates the Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders, Jacksonville Jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, St. Louis Rams, Buffalo Bills and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
  9. Clay Matthews will finally admit that he has no neck. And he wears hair extensions.
  10. The Arizona Cardinals will prove to everyone that they can be a winning team without a Hall of Fame grocery store bagger as their quarterback…just not this year.

Feel free to come back and give me a virtual pat on the back as these predictions transpire this season!


Photo By Matt Slocum, AP


I destroyed all of this and all I got was a lousy Hall of Fame induction?
Photo credit (AP/Mel Evans)

Categories: Humor, Sports

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