Lunch is on Me

Now that I’ve divulged my secret struggle with shoelaces I feel the need to share more about my inner-most feelings. With that said here is another confession: I hate it when people buy me lunch. Actually, it’s not just lunch, I hate it when anybody pays for anything; lunch, dinner, beer – it doesn’t matter, it drives me nuts regardless of what it is. And, yes, I understand that it is completely irrational.

I have no idea why or when this dislike of being given a free meal or drink started but I’m pretty sure it’s not going away anytime soon.

Let me qualify this statement by saying that just because I dislike someone buying me food or a drink it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it; it’s a very nice gesture. It’s just that it drives me crazy. Perhaps it’s a pride thing in that I feel inadequate if I don’t pay. Perhaps it’s a strong desire to not want to be beholden to ANYONE for ANYTHING. Perhaps it’s because I’m clinically insane.

Regardless, it’s there and, try as I might over the years, I still can’t shake it.

I’ve always had an issue with people, and by people I mean people, giving me food. I distinctly remember one time in high school when I went to a friend’s house and was absolutely starving due to the fact that I hadn’t eaten much, if anything, that day and was offered a sandwich by my friend’s mom. It was an extremely nice thing for my friend’s mom to do and I very much wanted to accept it but, due to this insane hang-up of mine, I politely said no and starved. “You’re an idiot!” I thought to myself, “Why, when she is offering a perfectly good sandwich, would you not take it? You are starving, she’s offering food: take the damned sandwich!” But no amount of self-berating would knock down the wall of “no-free-food” that I had erected.

Over the years this wall has only grown taller and thicker to the point that it now puts the Great Wall of China to shame. It’s truly impressive.

Despite its impressiveness, it truly serves no purpose. My dislike of being offered a free meal is like the three blind mice, when offered an opportunity to have an operation that will allow them to see again, saying, “Thanks, but we’ll wait until we have pan-handled enough to not only pay for own surgery but several other mice’s surgery as well,” – it makes no sense (much like this analogy).

Speaking of pan-handling though, the one thing that this sickness does provide me is some motivation to stay employed; I would be a terrible beggar.

I can see myself on the cusp of death due to starvation and but having just enough motivation to create a sign asking for money but when it came time to actually accept somebody’s money it would go something like this:

Me: (to a passerby) Spare a dollar?

Passerby: (extracting a dollar from their pocket and trying to hand it to me) Sure. Here you go.

Me: (running in the opposite direction) Get it away!

I wouldn’t last long.

This is the only silver lining I can find for this issue.

It’s a sickness and I need help. Or maybe not.

As I’m writing this it has occurred to me that this so-called sickness is actually a gold mine. For those of you who have never met or seen me I have a bit of a gut; and by a bit I mean I look like I could give birth at any moment. At any rate, what I’m thinking is that if I can convince someone to pay for each of my meals for a month I will, in no time (or a month) be really freakin’ hungry. Also I will probably lose enough weight to convince people that I am only in my first trimester; now that’s a true silver-lining.

Whether I can handle the emotional impact that will come with this revolutionary new weight-loss program remains to be seen but I can say that, much like other weight-loss programs, I am absolutely willing to try it, at least until no one is around to buy my meals.

At any rate, my hope is that there will come a time in my life that I will no longer feel the way I currently do about people buying me lunch, dinner, etc. In the meantime, I will embrace the potential silver-linings and revel in the knowledge that, if I follow the silver-linings, I will continue to be a sightly overweight individual who has just enough motivation to do well work so as not to have to beg for my sustenance. If you would like to discuss this topic further I’m open for lunch everyday next week; just don’t try to pay for it please.

Categories: Accounting

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1 reply


  1. State of the Blog Address: 2015 | Accounting 4 Life

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