Over the last couple of months I’ve been fortunate enough to see three individuals, live and in high-definition, who have been influential in my life. I attempted to secure interviews with these individuals to post on this blog but apparently their representatives were less than impressed when I told them I wrote a blog that was read by dozens, if not one or two, people. While this put a damper on what would have been one blockbuster of a post, I’ve never let a silly thing like reality get in the way of writing about a topic on my blog. What follows then is an imagining of how a simultaneous interview with The Count (think Sesame Street), the Dalai Lama and Weird Al Yankovic would have gone:
Me: Thank you gentlemen for joining me for this interview. It is an honor to talk to all of you and I thank you all for inspiring me in various ways. To begin, I’d like to ask The Count what inspired him in his obvious love of numbers (a trait that I share as evidenced by my career choice)?
The Count: One! Ah-ah-ah. Two! Ah-ah-ah. Three! Ah-ah-ah.
Me: I know exactly how you feel Count! In a similar vein, Your Holiness, what inspires you to continue with your mission to help others achieve happiness and accepting one another despite the fact that you are not a big numbers guy like The Count and I?
HH Dalai Lama: Very insightful question. It’s important , I think, to come together as sentient beings regardless of religious belief, race or love for numbers, in order to achieve true happiness. Plus I have a number in my name: 14th Dalai Lama, so that has to “count” for something right? (mirthful laughter)
Me: You got me on that one DL! Do you mind if I call you DL? Anyway, onto you Weird Al, I’ve been a big fan of your music for decades but am a little disappointed that you have no songs about numbers. Would you care to share with me why that is?
Weird Al: (Sung to the tune of Rocket Queen by Guns ‘n’ Roses) Here I am. And I’m the number king, oh yeah. I might not write songs about numbers but brother that’s just the way its been.
Me: Okay. This question is for all three of you fine gentlemen: if you had to choose something different to do with your lives what would you do?
The Count: Four! Ah-ah-ah.
Me: A golfer huh? Your Holiness?
Dalai Lama: Maybe I would like to be singer like Weird Yankovic.
Me: Really? Can you sing a song for us?
Dalai Lama: (sung to the tune of Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen) China threw me out, of Tibet. What a folly. My real name is Llahmo Dondrub, but call me Dalai. (more mirthful laughter).
Me: Well done sir. Al?
Weird Al: (sung to the tune of Bartholomew – The Silent Comedy) Oh my God, I love meat. Neck deep in some steaks as a butcher would be neat.
Me: Interesting. I know you are all busy men and/or puppets so just a couple more questions.
The Count: Five! Ah-ah-ah.
Me: I love your enthusiasm Count but I’m running out of ideas here. So, the second to last question…
Dalai Lama: Six! Ah-ah-ah.
Me: Settle down there DL. As I was saying, the second to last question is…
Weird Al: (sung to the tune of Pearl Jam’s Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town) I think this interview is a disgrace. If it lasts too much longer I won’t be able to take it!
Me: I can take a hint Al. Last question then: If you had to rate my blog on a scale of 1 – 10 how would you rate it?
The Count: One bad blog! Ah-ah-ah.
Me: Dammit! Weird Al, same question.
Weird Al: (sung to the tune of One of Us by Joan Osborne) Could this blog be any worse? Could it stink worse than a corpse in a hearse? Am I hear because of a curse? Please someone take me home.
Me: Son of a…Help me Dalai Lama; you’re my only hope.
Dalai Lama: Another insightful question. As a Buddhist, I must refrain from judging others as judgments all stem from illusion and lead to suffering. However, in this particular case, I feel compelled to say, as I’ve heard in America, do not quit your day job. (seemingly unending mirthful laughter).
Me: (sounding a bit like Charlie Brown) Rats!