It’s been a while since I’ve written a post in this series; not because I don’t enjoy writing them, it’s just that there aren’t a whole lot of great moments in the history of accounting. As you can imagine, then, I was quite pleased when I came across an article the other day about 18 stoned accountants who nearly killed a crocodile. This is just what I’ve been waiting for, I thought to myself! How often does one come across a story that not only includes a dozen and a half accountants that are stoned but also a crocodile? In my many years of working in the accounting world I can tell you that I’ve heard many stories about stoned accountants and I’ve also heard many stories about crocodiles, but rarely have the two been combined.
In case you haven’t clicked on the link to read the story yourself, here is a quick synopsis of what occurred:
A few months ago an American contingency of 18 CPA’s made up of the best and brightest from all of the Big 2 & 3/4 CPA firms were sent to Russia by the CIA in order to topple Vladimir Putin. The plan was that the CPA’s would attempt to drive Putin insane with their constant dialogues of what FASB 1256946 (C) (111) (P) (0) means to international accounting standards in hopes that he would commit himself to an insane asylum and stop invading other countries. It was a great plan hatched up by our country’s leadership (without their knowledge of course) and may have worked if it hadn’t been for that meddling spy (Edward “I can’t-belieive-I’m-still-stuck-in-Russia-and-not-in-some-nice-tropical-climate-sipping-mai-tais-on-the-beach” Snowden).
As the date drew near for the accounting contingency to depart, Edward “This-truly-does-suck” Snowden, using his super-sleuthing skills (he looked it up on Wikipedia), caught wind of the plan and gave the information to Vladimir Putin’s top advisors in exchange for a bowl of borscht – he had grown very fond of borscht. Vlad “The Country Inhaler” Putin quickly hatched a plan that would not only thwart the clever American plot but also cause great embarrassment to the US in general. Gathering his forces of darkness together (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, among others) and told them of his plan; a plan that consisted of pot and a crocodile.
The pot, Putin contended, would be given to the accountants as a welcome-gift and would serve to shut them up for a while as they, after ingesting the pot, would be to busy stuffing their faces with potato chips and Twinkies to talk. Busy eating their various snacks the crocodile would then be unleashed on the sweet-and-salty accountants; an irresistable delicacy to crocodiles across the world. So as the 18 accountant contingency arrived in Russia and were quickly ushered onto a bus for a “tour” of the Russian countryside, Putin’s plan was set in motion. Putin, who knew that no accountant could resist free food and that no accountant will ever let said free food go to waste, made sure that each accountant was given a handful of “special” brownies in their welcome baskets. Within a half an hour the 18 CPA’s, who had consumed the entirety of their brownies and had moved on to the corn nuts and Twinkies, were busy debating the pros and cons of debits when Putin’s henchmen quietly opened the crocodiles’ cage hidden in the back of the bus and waited for the carnage to begin. The crocodile, Fydo, was at first excited by the scrumptious accountant treats he saw but, alas, he was released from his cage to early and the ongoing debate of why carpets should be depreciated over seven years instead of 10 put Fydo to sleep before he could have his meal.
To add insult to injury to Putin’s failed plan and, more importantly, Fydo’s failure to obtain even a bite of his favorite meal, one CPA told an extremely funny joke (“What does FASB stand for? Financial Accounting Standards Boredom…hahahaha!) causing a particularly large accountant to laugh so hard that he fell out of his chair and onto the crocodile, further insuring that Fydo would do no harm that day. Thus the band of 18 stoned accountants survived the attempted assassination but were unable to execute their plan to topple Putin due to the fact that they were quickly deported from Russia on the grounds that they were, “generally annoying and not fun to deal with”, a charge the CPA’s couldn’t dispute. For his part, despite vomiting for 26 straight days (not from internal injuries caused by the crushing blow delivered by the overweight accountant but in an attempt to get the bad taste of the accountants’ humor out of his mouth) recovered fully after therapy and helping his new pal Vlad, dispose of a number of “enemies of the state”.
So, while these 18 accountants, may have failed in their ultimate mission, their story serves as a valuable lesson to all of us: there are other large and frightening reptiles in Russia not named Vladimir Putin.