With Mother’s Day just around the corner I thought I would share my expert opinion on mothers. Some may wonder what makes me an expert on mothers, when I myself am not a mother. To this I can only say that I’ve been called a mother (or something not-so-similar) enough times in my life that I feel that I can expertly opine on the subject. If that wasn’t enough I also have a mother, am married to the mother of my children and have a mother-in-law.

My Mom

While researching the history of motherhood for this post I discovered that, contrary to popular belief, I am not a mother. Also I discovered that there have been several important mothers throughout history whose contributions in various fields deserve, in my opinion, special mention and everlasting-gratitude. The following is a list of these special mothers:

• Ma Kettle – Discovered oil (apparently another Hillbilly family attempted to take credit for this which led to the Hatfield and McCoy feud)
• Yo-Yo Ma – Invented the yo-yo
• Ma Barker – Founding Member of the NRA
• Mitochondrial Eve – The mother of all human beings and star of the first reality show Steve & Eve – Help We Have 8 Trillion Kids and Need a Reprieve!

Getting back to the subject of motherhood…

It may sound impossible but I think I can sum up motherhood in one word: Wow! For those of you who have witnessed your wife giving birth to your kids you know what I mean. For those of you who haven’t yet, you will understand if/when that day comes (unless you pass out before your child is born – this is recommended by 9 out of 10 fathers).

Of course being a Mother isn’t just about giving birth, it also involves a lifetime of cleaning, feeding and dressing their husbands. On top of that they also have to take care of their kids and, often times, have full-time careers.

My Beautiful Wife and the Mother of My Two Sons

Besides being a caretaker for their family, and working 40 or more hours a week, Moms also have to attempt to carve out time for themselves. This generally takes the form of cleaning the house, doing laundry and remembering everything that everybody needs to get done for the next ten years. As you can imagine, these relaxing activities often have the opposite effect on a mother as opposed to the effects of going to the spa, shopping or sitting down for the first time since she had kids 34 years ago would have had on her. So when you get yelled at for asking your wife or mom four times in rapid succession where your keys are when, in fact, you are holding them in your hand, please understand that she is not yelling at you because she dislikes you; she is yelling at you because you are an idiot.

Given all that the Moms of today, and throughout time, have done to keep our species thriving, despite man’s best efforts to thwart them, I believe it is important that we all, to the best of our abilities, show our appreciation for Moms (and women in general) this Mother’s Day and thank them for all that they do (including yelling at us when we forget a birthday, an anniversary, to take out the garbage, to replace an empty toilet paper roll, to say thank you, to say I love you, etc, because we are idiots).

In summary, I feel fortunate, and am thankful, to be able to say with all honesty that I have a great mother and mother-in-law, that I am married to a great mother and that I am a bad-a** mutha (or something).

My Mother-in-Law

Categories: Humor

Tags: Childbirth, Hatfield and McCoy Feud, Ma Barker, Ma Kettle, Mitochondrial Eve, Mom, Mother, Mother's Day, Mother-in-Law, Yo-Yo Ma