Upon waking up this morning I took a big drink from a glass of water by my bed only to discover (much too late of course) that there were several (and by several I mean thousands) of ants in the water and on the outside of the glass. Two thoughts came quickly to mind:
1. Somewhere inside my body ants are marching two-by-two (hurrah, hurrah)
Fearing that I was going to die I remembered the great quote from FDR, “There is nothing to fear but drinking ants in the morning”, and felt much worse about the situation. In instances like these my wife would normally be there to calm me down:
Me: I just drank ants! I need to go to the emergency room!
Wife: I’m late for work; have a good day!
Me: I think I can feel them biting my insides…
Unfortunately my wife is out-of-town so no such comfort was forthcoming. This left me with no choice but to call for help. Unfortunately Orkin wasn’t open yet so I did the only thing I could do at that point; I had a panic attack. As my mind raced through all of the possible outcomes of “The Great Ant Swallowing of 2013”, as I’ve come to call it, I went through the motions of getting dressed, eating breakfast and spraying enough bug spray around my bedroom to kill a panic attack. Literally. The panic attack, as well as my consciousness were dead for a full five minutes. After coming back to from the bug spray I was excited to see that I had succeeded in killing a spider.
As a last-ditch effort before I had to go to work I Googled “How to kill ants that you have swallowed during ‘The Great Ant Swallowing of 2013′” and discovered that the only known way to kill an ant is through a tactical drone strike. Or chili powder. Needless to say, I called our government to obtain a drone but was rejected due to the fact that I didn’t donate enough of my salary to them last year. Luckily I had some chili powder and poured a generous amount onto my cereal. Also needless to say, I am writing this post from my “office”.
And I still think I can feel the ants biting my insides; hurrah, hurrah.