Now that the tax deadline has passed I would like to offer a few helpful tax tips in a Q & A format. Bear in mind that these questions were submitted to me from absolutely no one and, therefore, I have changed their names to protect my identity. I should also note that if anyone actually uses any of the following tips while doing their taxes, they are idiots and should immediately apply for a job with the IRS.
Q: I’m currently thinking about having kids but I’m unsure of what the tax implications would be. Can you help?
A: There are many implications to having kids, such as:
- You will not get any sleep for at least the first year
- You will have to change diapers that smell worse than a gassy opossum (if you’ve ever smelled a gassy opossum then you know what I’m talking about)
- You will be pooped on, peed on, thrown up on and yelled at in an unintelligible language (if you’ve ever been to a frat party then you know what I’m talking about)
- You will have no time for yourself or significant other
- And you will most definitely not have any money which means that you do not need to worry about doing your taxes.
Q: So having kids is a good thing right?
A: If you would like to believe so, then, yes.
Q: I’m thinking about opening an IRA but I don’t know if I should choose a Roth or a traditional IRA. Thoughts?
A: Great question and, yes, I do have some thoughts on occasion. To expound, I typically have thoughts about why we are here, where are my keys and which name goes with which child. Oh, and beer.
Q: That’s great but do you have thoughts on what type of IRA I should open?
A: Not usually.
Q: But isn’t this supposed to be a post about helpful hints for taxes?
A: If you would like to believe so, then, yes.
Q: I recently opened a college savings account for my children but I’m unsure of when/if I have to pay taxes on the money I put into the account.
A: That wasn’t a question. Was it?
Q: I discovered that I made an error on my 2012 tax return that would have increased my refund and I was wondering if I can re-do my return?
A: Yes you can file an amended return, however, there are certain restrictions on how much time you have to file them. If you are filing an amended return that increases your refund, which you are, you will only have up to 15 seconds from the time you filed your original return to file your amended return. However, if the amended return decreases your refund (or increases the amount you paid if you didn’t get a refund) you have until the Sun grows to vast proportions and swallows the entire solar system like Roseanne Barr swallowing a hamburger. And even then you would probably be granted an extension.
Q: This year I paid well over a million dollars in taxes which, in my opinion, is vastly unfair when so many people pay next to nothing. Don’t you think we should institute a rule that would give each person one vote per dollar paid in taxes?
A: So, Mr. Thomas Perkins, I see that you survived the asteroid that I hurled at your head a few posts back. I should have know that it would take more than a mere asteroid to damage that thick skull of yours! Let me answer your question while I contemplate another method of knocking some sense into you: Yes I do believe that votes should be proportional to the amount one pays in taxes. However, I also believe that for every dollar a person donates to a candidate, political party of lobby group they should have one vote taken away so that, using you as an example, you would end up with precisely -192 votes which, coincidentally, is the same number as your IQ. Zing!
Q: Do you have any regrets about writing this post?
A: My only regret is that I have but one more question and answer to write for this post.
Q: What is the Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT) and how do I know if it applies to me?
A: Let me start by clearing up a couple of things for you:
- It is ATM, not AMT
- It stands for Acrylic Tank Manufacturing, though I’m not sure why (you can google it yourself if you don’t believe me)
- The ATM applies to you only if you have money in a bank account – if this is the case you can go to any ATM, insert your bank card and agree to spend all of your money on bank fees
Categories: Accounting, Humor
Accounting 4 Life 
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