The following is a true story. Only the names of people and places have been changed whenever I remembered to do so.

As most of you have probably heard by now, there is a bit of an uproar being caused by a former governmental intelligence agent who has gone rogue and, in the process, revealed secrets about his government’s intelligence gathering operations. It seems that the government (I’ll call it the USA) in question has been gathering phone and other data on its citizens in order to prevent future terrorist attacks. While this may seem like an overreach on the USA’s part it  does indeed have the authority to do this as derived from the Patriot Act. For those of you who may not be familiar with the Patriot Act here are a few facts about the act that has given the government these seemingly freedom-restricting, yet absolutely necessary powers:

• The Patriot Act came about during the New England Patriots’ historic undefeated season in 2007 where it was discovered that the team had been spying on (a.k.a. videotaping) opposing teams  in order to gain an edge over their competition. The Patriots, however, were unable to complete their perfect season as they fell to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, thanks in large part to an untimely hand cramp that left their secret cameraman unable to continue his filming late in the fourth quarter.
• Certain provisions in the Patriot Act were recently renewed in order to avoid late charges
• Speaking of late charges, the Patriot Act allows the government to access your library account information in order to create a list of popular books that they can then buy the secret government court for its birthday (if you haven’t tried shopping for a secret government court then you have no idea how difficult it is to buy something for them)

Secret Government Court (Airs on Tuesday at 9:00 p.m. Only on ABC)

The intelligence officer in question (whom I was tempted to name George W. Bush in this post due to the hilarity that would ensue from writing the words intelligence and George W. Bush in the same sentence but will instead use the name Edward Snowden), released to the media several documents that revealed that the government has been pretty much inept for the last 40+ years. Additionally, these documents showed that the US government has requested and received information from various telecommunications companies that revealed to the government that all of its citizens (whether suspected terrorists or not) were being charged, and paying for, fees that even the secret government court couldn’t figure out. 

As one might expect the US government was unhappy when these revelations were made public and acted as most governments would when their ethics and morals are called in to question; they began pouting in the corner. Pouting done, they then came up with a fair and reasonable way to handle this situation:

1. They charged their former spy with spying for revealing that the US government was/is spying on everybody on this world and others. Also they called him a tattle-tale.
2. They forced the New England Patriots to sign Tim “I’m-glad-I-wasn’t-hanging-out-with-Aaron-Hernandez-last-Monday-night” Tebow.

The real shame of this whole situation, however,  isn’t that the government, which was built upon the principles of freedom and being governed for and by the people, is spying on its own citizens in the name of terror, it’s that this former patriot spy did all of this in order to travel to countries he had always wanted to visit but didn’t have the means to do so. Who among us in his situation wouldn’t have handed over “Top Secret” documents about our government in order to see the exotic sights of Hong Kong; the majesty that is the inside of a Russian airport; the unknown beauty of whatever may be in Ecuador?

Regardless of how you may answer that question, I think most of you would agree with me when I say, “Where exactly is Ecuador?”

Ecuador

While it is easy to get upset at the US government for spying on its own citizens and other around the world, it is important to remember that they are doing this in order to prevent Vladimir “The Impaler” Putin from stealing any more Super Bowl Rings. Regardless of the outcome of this situation I hope that we can all join together as a nation and say, “Thanks for screwing it up for the rest of us Patriots! I hope you and Tim “I’d-gladly-give-you-secret-government-documents-on-Tuesday-for-a-completion-at-practice-today” Tebow are happy!”

Robert Kraft Having His Jersey Stolen by George W. Bush.
(White House photo by Paul Morse)

Categories: Humor, Politics

Tags: Ecuador, Edward Snowden, George W. Bush, Hong Kong, late charges, Library, New England Patriots, New York Giants, Patriot Act, Robert Kraft, Russia, Secret Governement Court, spy, spying, Super Bowl, Tim Tebow. Aaron Hernandez, Travel, USA, Vladimir Putin